Uhm....

I don't know the fancy, private way to contact one of my favorite bloggers personally, so I'll use this platform.


 Aramis, WTF with HIIT 15?  I almost died without moving!!!  All I could do was stare at energetic exercise lady in amazement.


This Turbo Fire is crazy.  When I was younger, people always thought I was a cheerleader because I seemed quite happy with life.  I was never a cheerleader and could never be one.  I can't even touch my toes. So forget about splits and backflips.  I'm not a person who thinks cheer leading is not a sport, but this Turbo Fire!!!  This exercise plan gave me a whole new respect for competitive cheerleaders.  The routines are like being in the middle of Bring It On.  Let me tell you, I can't bring it. LOL!

At this point, I don't expect to lose any weight during the first month and I don't care.  I just want to get the routines down by then.  OMG!  I'll finally be a cheerleader:-)

I think tomorrow is the 55 minute session. I'm already breathing hard thinking about it.

Here's what I ate yesterday ( This is more to force me to eat the groceries I bought)

Raspberry and chocolate chobani yogurt
apple
banana
Choc covered chewy granola bar (this ain't low fat, but it's devine)
Koshi granola bar (I had to buy this out of the vending machine. I was starving and had eaten all of my stuff from home)
Veggie sandwich complete with humus, avacado, cucumber, pepper jack cheese and sprouts

I hope I find my way to some chicken today.

Sidenote: I totally stopped everything my RE prescribed and/or suggested.  I'm wondering if I may need that thyroid medicine though.  I'm a bit down, for lack of a better description.  I don't know if it's the mild hypothyroidism, the failed FET or my general laziness.

I Pressed Play

I got up this morning and decided I did not want to exercise.  The husband started playing the role of drill sergeant and I just about killed him.  We walked the dog, I basically yelled at Hubby to get off my back and an hour later, I walked down the stairs and pressed play.

The Hubs joined me. It's Day 1. We only had a 30 minute video, followed by ten minutes of stretching.  I did sweat and so did Hubs.  This is pretty fast paced and some of the moves left us behind, but you know what? It was fun.  I hope the rest of the program feels this way.

I was disappointed that I wasn't any skinnier when I looked in the mirror.  Just kidding, but not really:-)

I'm Bringing Sexy Back...

I hope Justin Timberlake is playing in your mind, because he is certainly singing in mine.
I plan to bring sexy back and I hope it comes back fast.  I am getting myself all pumped up for my life as a workout Queen.

In November, I met my new RE and since that time the only thing she's helped me do is gain ten pounds of fat and misery.  The day I walked in her office, I'd been off a workout plan about four months, but I was maintaining.  Clothes were fitting great.  By my IUI, I noticed the clothes were getting tight.  By the time I was stemming for IVF, the clothes weren't fitting.  I was pretending that wasn't a problem as I ordered a new wardrobe online.  Well, now that wardrobe is squeezing more than it should.  It's time to end the madness.  I'm taking it off, people.  I'm about to get fit...at least I hope.

I'm trying pushing all of the negative aside.  I'm not using anymore excuses for skipping out on cardio.  I am 32 years old. I can't let myself go just because my body refuses to reproduce.  I always said if I can't be a mommy, I want to be damn sure that I look better than one.  I know that's mean, but at least mommies can say they carried another human for nine months (anyway most mommies are hot).  I can't say that.  All I can say is I tried to have a baby for seven years and got fat in the process.  That sucks, right?

With all of that said, I just watched the first video from Turbo Fire and I'm in trouble.  The exercise lady did some jump move that nearly made me faint from watching on the couch.  Keep in mind, I was watching the "New to Class" version, which is code for easier. (Dare I say I lost a pound while watching from the couch?)   I may not do what the exercise lady is doing, but I'm sure jumping around will do something for me (eek!).

Must.Keep.My.Eye.On.The.Prize.

I'm making a plan and I hope it works.  The best part is that my Hubby declared that he will join me in this "exercise class."  He hasn't seen an entire video and I can't wait to see his face when he sees the routine.  Hell, I can't wait to seem him bust a move. LOL!  I should add that he's been a workout beast for the past two years.  He does P90x and Insanity.  He lost about 30 pounds with P90x and added Insanity to spice things up.  He's my exercise Hero, but I still wish I could be skinny without effort, like when I was young.

So here's to getting skinny and taking a mental break from infertility failure.

Sigh

I made the mistake of telling some folks about my IUI in December.  They got the Hubby and I tipsy and questioned us about our journey. I told them our IVF failed and instead of leaving it alone, they started asking stuff like, "what does your heart tell you?"

I really hate fertile people who just don't get it. *sigh*
I really hate that I was so positive and believed that I'd have success that I shared this struggle with people. How stupid was I? I guess I deserved their questioning and their response to my sadness. I'm dumb. I keep proving that, which is really awesome. 

ICLW

Hi All,

I am a day late on the ICLW welcome, but I wanted to introduce myself.  My name is Erika and this blog was dedicated to my quest to become a mother.  Sadly, I had a failed frozen embryo transfer earlier this month.  Now I am trying to pick up the pieces.  Please don't be alarmed if some of my posts seem a bit bitter. It kind of comes with the territory of loss.

Monday, I am supposed to begin working out because I gained a very nasty ten pounds.  We'll see if I stick to it.  I have grand plans to get skinny in my mind.  We'll see if those plans become a reality.

Random Things

Crap!  I need to lose this ten pounds, but I really don't feel like putting in the work ( I know. Tragic.)
Anyway, one of my coworkers is a beast.  She works out everyday in her office, before she goes home.  She's been doing this for about seven months and she looks amazing.  She was doing Insanity, but I noticed she switched up her program to something called Turbofire.  It looks more like dancing, which I suck at, but whatever.  I figured it might be fun to try it.  I hopped on the Internet and ordered one.  When it arrived, I hyperventilated a bit.  Now I'm having second thoughts.  Having thighs that rub together isn't so bad, right?

Last year, I did p90x with my husband and it worked, but when I tried to pick it up again, I was bored.  I really just wanted to do cardio, even though I hate cardio  I'm hoping Turbofire will hold my attention.  I need my body back by October.  Well, I need my thighs to separate by then.  That's when my bestie is getting married in Florida.  Kissing thighs and humidity, equal disaster.

So I am going to give Turbofire a try.  I've read reviews and such.  I know it will be difficult at first because I have never been good with choreography, but at least it's cardio, right?

As for the infertility thing, ugh...I contacted the doctor just to see where her head is.  She sent me a link about HCG infusion at the time of transfer.  That just pissed me off.  I'm tried of the experiements.  I know that's all this essentially is...you experiement, until something works, but DAMN!  I also realized I can't talk to her without being really BITCHY.  That's not my style.  I talk mad stuff on my blog and in my mind, but I am always respectful of people.  Even in email, I am oozing attitude.  I can't stop it.

I am being better to my Husband.  He's not the reason my transfer failed and I like him, so I don't want to chase him away:-)

So that's my story, folks and I'm sticking to it:-)

The End

I called the doctor's office today and settled my account.  I am officially done.  I guess I won't really have much to write about now.  Of course, I still have to pay rent for my remaining three embryos, but that's cool.  They are the closest things I'll ever have to children.

My doctor sent me a link to a local therapist.  I considered going, but then realized I'd prefer to spend the money on something more fun, like an overpriced, designer purse or watch.  I really don't know what to do.

I know that I am sad.  The only time I don't feel sad is when I get busy at work.  If I wasn't such a chicken, I'd shave my hair and just walk.  I'd leave everything behind and just walk.  But like I said, I'm too scared to essentially be a drifter.  It's not exactly safe.

The last time I felt this awful was when China, my beloved pup, died in 2009.  I'd had her since I was 13 and she was nearly 17 years old when she passed.  I muted the pain by getting a new puppy to distract me.  I don't want a new puppy or a new anything right now.  I don't really know how to make this go away.

I ran up my credit card over the weekend. It was fun while I was shopping.  Now it just feels stupid.  All of my normal tools aren't working.  I'm going to visit my parents next month, so maybe that will help.

Have I mentioned I'm fat?  I gained ten pounds in six months.  Well, more like three.  I've just been holding steady since then.  I packed on those pounds like a first year college student.  I guess I'll stop complaining about it and start working out.  I actually have a plan, but I won't put it in writing, until I actually start it and make some progress:-)

What To Do?

I told the witch doctor (RE) that I'd call Monday for that stupid appointment.  She made me feel bad for hating her.  But...

I've decided I can't call. I guess I won't call.

I don't hate her. I don't even really dislike her.  She's good at what she does. She just wasn't good enough to help me.

*sigh*  I need a stiff drink.  Margarita, here I come!

Sucker #1

So that man (you know? My husband) I was willing to shoot and divorce just a couple of days ago must be an angel.  Despite my foaming at the mouth rants, he stayed calm, stayed by my side and just let me be. 

He fed me, tried to comfort me and did I mention he fed me? 

I was mean. I would not kiss him, hug him nor let him hold my hand. But he didn't stop trying. 

Hello a$$hole party of one (that would be me!)

When I went to work on Friday he wrote me a love letter and had flowers waiting for me.

When I got off work, he gave me another surprise. He flew in my Mom!! That's right. He brought out the big guns. I can't act an a$$ in my Mom's presence. 

I should also add that hours before, I cried, no. I sobbed into the phone while talking to my mom because I didn't think I could make it through my work day. She didn't tell me she was coming to see me. Sneaky lady:-)

Seeing Mommy made all things better (well as better as you can feel with the knowledge that your body killed the twins). However, I felt guilty because she left my Father on Father's Day weekend to be with me. Oops!

And get this: Witch doctor even sent an email that tugged at my heart strings, but whatever. 

Anyway, I'm writing all this to say that I no longer want to kill and inflict pain. I still think IVF is for suckers and I'm sucker #1, but so what:-)

Failure, Periods and Planes

So my transfer experience seemed to be ideal up until the last days.  8 days past transfer, I walked into a Quest diagnostics lab to have my blood drawn in Florida.  I asked the lab tech if my doctor would get the results that day.  She said yes.

Uhm...yeah I didn't get those results until Tuesday, which was 11 days past transfer.  The lab left a message on my phone apologizing for the delay.  That was one call I wished I hadn't missed. I wanted curse until the cows came home.  Oh well.

I already knew the truth. Monday I took a home test and just like all of my previous home tests, it was negative before the pee could dry.  I emailed the RE to ask when my period would start.  That Broad convinced my husband that there was a high chance that the home test was wrong.  Excuse me!  I didn't know you needed a medical degree to read a home pregnancy test.  Sooo, my demands that he fly me back home fell on deaf ears.  I'm still angry with him about that. I was stuck in Florida at my best friend's house dealing with the fact that my body killed my twins, I'm $30,000 in debt and I'll probably never have friends again because they are all getting pregnant and we have nothing in common at this point.

I didn't want my Bestie and her Fiance to see me like that. I basically avoided her the rest of the trip.  Just looking at her made me cry.  It was horrible....torture really.

Anyway, Hubs and I went to lunch and I immediately ordered a margarita.  Do you know that a$$ had the nerve to try to stop me?  He begins a secret email conversation with the witch-doctor known as my RE, which leads to her calling me.  I didn't even answer. She is the only person from a blocked number who calls my phone.  I knew it was her and I handed the phone to him.

She asked him to put me on speaker and she went through her spiel. "Erika, this is the hardest part of my job."  I was thinking, "REALLY?! Why don't you try walking in my flip flops, Jerk!"

The rest of her speech sounded like this,  "blah blah...infertility science isn't perfect...blah blah...the good thing is you still have three frozen embryos ready to go home...blah blah...I think you need another HSG....I think your right tube may have fluid...blah blah...Erika, just keep showing up."

Whatever! I'm not showing up, People. I am out of money. I am more broke than I've ever been in my entire life.  Sometimes you have to know when to throw in the towel.  It's my time.  So, I'm mourning my twins.  It hurts.  It hurts to know I killed them.  Now, I'm just learning how to navigate knowing I'll never have kids.  I don't want to adopt and all of that other stuff, so it's cool.

So back to failure, periods and planes....

That jerk of an RE told me my period would start four to five days, after I stopped medication.  SHE WAS WRONG...AGAIN!  My period started exactly three days after I stopped medication.  That meant I was stuck on a plane with the worst cramps ever.  I popped eight advil on that plane, while my husband complained that I was going to make myself sick.  I rarely want to kill that man, but if I would have had a loaded weapon anytime from Monday to Wednesday, I would have shot him without blinking an eye.  I wouldn't have been on a plane with cramps, had he booked my emergency flight home on Monday, like I asked.

The drugs finally kicked in and I slept until we reached our layover.  That's where I found out why the pain was so bad, I was trying to pass a clot.  You can't really do that with a tampon rammed up your privates on a plane.  I took six more Advil and I've been fine since, minus a cramp here or there.

I was so pissed at the witch doctor that I sent her an email to let her know that she was WRONG about the start of my period.  That a$$ wrote back, and asked me to make an appointment for early next week.  I told her no because I am out of money and can no longer afford her.  She replied that she wouldn't charge for the visit.  I really must have dumb a$$ written on my forehead.  I've already been charged for the visit.  It's included in the FET.  It's the failure chat. Ugh!  I just don't want to see her in person because I'll probably end up in jail.  My Mother would be mortified.

I politely replied, "don't you have children to feed?  You don't need to do charity cases.  Take care."

Negative

Home test was negative. No need to wait for the Beta.
I gambled and I lost.
I can bow out now.
I did all I could. Some people just aren't meant to be parents.

Now I'll decide if I'll keep this uterus or get it yanked out.
What's the point of enduring periods, if you can't have kids?
Now to begin tackling all of this weight I've gained.
#Finished

8 Days Post FET

I woke up cranky, took the blood test and emailed the RE. I told her not tell me the results, if she gets them. I told her to send the results to Hubby. I immediately regretted that move, after I set the email, but I'm sticking to it.

I told the twins to show up and show out for this blood test. I hope they listened:-)

Bachelorette party, here I come:-)

#Finish

7 Days Post FET

Thank you so much for all of the positive vibes. My husband actually read the last blog and quickly began researching to dispute claims of predicting pregnancy with pulse.  He took time out of his day to come to my office and make sure I was ok.  I kept chanting Stick and Grow, until I mustered the strength to ask all of my praying folks to say an extra prayer for me and if they know about the twins, I asked them to pray for them too.

This morning I was better.  I wasn't blissfully positive, but I wasn't in the dumps either.  The closer we get to the Beta, the more of a reality this whole thing becomes.  Ya know?  I mean I am pregnant.  I saw the twins land in my uterus, but this test could...well you know.

We are in Florida today.

I spent most of the day travelling.  I am still not feeling any real pregnancy symptoms.  My uterus is crampy, but it's always crampy. It's one of my signs that the ol' period is coming, but I'm guessing the hormones are keeping it at bay for now.  I'm peeing up a storm, but that's because I have to drink so much water to take all of my hormones and supplements.  LOL

And speaking of drugs and supplements, have you ever tried travelling with all of that stuff.  OMG.  I have baggies, pill bottles and everything else you can think of stuffed with all my "magic" stuff:-)  Per usual, I was comparing myself to a 80-year-old and questioning how they keep up with all the pills.  When we got on the plane, my Husband found an electronic pill holder in the flight magazine.  We laughed so hard.  He said he'd buy it for me, until he saw it was more than $250.

As for the twins, you know the drill by now: STICK AND GROW.  Despite my uncertainty about how they are fairing, I still chant it to push the negative thoughts away.  Guess what?  Tomorrow is the big blood test.  I can't bring myself to pee on a stick, so  I'll just be waiting for Beta results.  My RE, who I love to love and love to hate, is just as anxious as I am.  Since I am getting my blood drawn in Florida and she is in California, I emailed her to find out the likelihood of me getting the results on Saturday.  She told me she wasn't sure, but told me to email her the number of the facility and put her name and cell phone number on my lab slip.  She's going to do what she can on her end to get those results.  So my fingers are crossed that we get GOOD results by Saturday night.

As I type this, I'm kind of wishing I wasn't such a punk.  I want to hire someone to make me pee on the stick:-)

Tonight I get to see my bestie in person for the first time in 9 months and tomorrow we celebrate her last days as a Bachelorette!!!

Who's excited?  Oh...that would be ME!!

#FINISH
#TWINSBESTRONG

I figure these embryos have to be fighters.  I'm stubborn and so is my father-in-law.  Seriously, they have to be stubborn enough to stick and grow.

6 Days Post FET

Ugh...My acupuncture dude kind of knocked the wind out of my sails today.  He said my pulse felt weak and not "big" enough for pregnancy.  He kept telling me stories about women who kept trying and it finally worked.  These little anecdotes didn't make me feel any better.  He went on to poke me with one needle in the top of my head and sent me on my way.

Since that moment, I've been trying to connect with the twins, hoping that they will hear my chant of stick and grow. But I'm not sure..I mean doubt is creeping in more than it has for the past week.  I kind of want to curl up on my new comfy couch, suck my thumb (which I haven't done since I was about seven), and rest.  I can't do that because I have to work to pay off my infertility debts.

I'm not going to sneak a test today because it could quite possibly break me. Instead, I'm focusing on finishing this work day, packing tonight and hopping a plane tomorrow.

I've set up an appointment to get my Beta tested in Florida on Saturday, but I might skip it. I don't know. I'm kind of sad right now.

Here's to hoping my babies are ignoring my poor attitude and sticking and growing...AND that a giant, tasty cookie falls from the sky and into my lap.

#FINISH

5 Days Post FET

I'm still chanting stick and grow, Guys.  I made it through day five.  At one point, I was pretty sure that was I going to march out and buy myself a home pregnancy test for tomorrow.  Buuuut....I can't.  I can't do it.  I think I will hold out until Friday morning, before we fly to Florida.

As for Thursday, I have lots to do. I have laundry duty, acupuncture and work....and packing. Yikes!  Such a strange week.


#FINISH

4 Days Post FET

I have a picture of the twins on my phone. It's actually my lock screen. I want to show everyone how awesome they are.  Strange, right?!

I am a bit crampy and I'm a bit concerned it's the fibroids talking, but each time that seeps into my mind I chant, "STICK AND GROW!"

I'm going to get my hair done tomorrow. My acupuncture dude totally freaked me out. He said to make sure the washer just scrubs my head.  No massages.  Massages of the shoulders and the like can cause the uterus to contract. OMG!  I have naturally kinky hair so I only get it washed every two weeks, unless I'm in workout mode or swimming (i can't swim. it's more like playing in the water). My scalp needs a good scrubbing and massage.  Now I have to find a tactful way to tell the wash girl to scrub...hard, but no massage, not even when working in the conditioner. "Stick and Grow!"

I'm contemplating just doing it myself. That means it will be clean, but look like something out of a very bad 70s film.  **sigh**

On Thursday, acupuncture dude is going to stick needles in my head to try to calm the uterus.

Friday, I head to Florida.

Saturday, I pee on a stick and try to find a lab to take my blood test.  Afterwards, I'm off to my Bestie's bachelorette party. OMG!  "Stick and Grow!"

2 Days Post FET

It's been two days since the transfer and I have been living like a Queen Bee. I lie around while my husband brings me yummy things:-)  I've gained about a trillion pounds.

Today is our 7th wedding anniversary.  My hubby allowed me to leave the house to have anniversary breakfast with him, then he rushed me back home, and promptly sat me on our new comfy couch. HA!

No major updates on the twins.  I stare at their picture constantly and continue to tell them to Stick and Grow.  My inner lady parts are still a bit sore.  It's not a cramp, just soreness.  My body does not like that speculum thing, that I call a vice.

I return to work tomorrow.  I have the crazy busy schedule which is good.  That keeps my mind from wandering because I can obsess and spiral out of control.

So here's to taking it day by day.

Grow and Stick

Guys, the transfer went well.  The embryos were beautiful and just about every second, I tell them to stick and grow.

Our RE's office asked us to get to the appointment 15 minutes early.  My beyond prompt husband got us there a half hour early.  To our surprise, they took us to the back immediately.  My bladder was filled with about four bottles of water and READY!

When we got to the room, I thought we'd be in there for a while since we were so early, but No.  The ultrasound tech gave my full bladder the thumbs up, the RE came in and started prepping her instruments of torture, while walking me through what I should expect after the transfer.

She told me my mind will play the meanest tricks ever on me, but she said every time it happens, say Stick and Grow.  You best believe I have employed that trick about a million times already.

Within minutes, the room was filled with not just me and hubby, but the ultrasound tech, the RE and the embryologist.  Holy Crap! I met a real, live embryologist and I didn't even get to pick her brain about finding her way to such an amazing job.

Folks this group was top notch...at least I think so.  I've never done this before. But WOW!  Hubby and I were stunned with how fast it all happened.

The ultrasound Tech said to imagine the screen as a golf course, of which we're getting an aerial view.  She said our goal was to get the embryos into the sand trap so they would stick and grow. YESSSS!

Doc was down there applying torture devices to my lady parts.  She explained each step, but I couldn't really focus on that.  I was apparently enjoying my 5mg of valium and the view of the ultrasound.

I should add that this was my first ultrasound where there wasn't an invasive wand involved.  Buut...other things were pulling at my privates.

Doc threaded in the catheter and all the medical professionals let out big sighs and smiles.  As I looked around confused, the ultrasound tech explained that THAT was actually the hardest part for the RE.  Well hell, if that was the hardest moment, things were looking good.

From there, the embryologist went back into a room, and got a stick-looking thing that she swears contained my twins.  She handed them over to Doc, who promptly put them where they belong---with me.

It was actually quite amazing.  The embryos looked like  a burst of light as they landed. So cool!

So in seven days, I'll take a pregnancy test.  I know they are sticking and growing towards a BFP!  I'm talking to them constantly.  I can't let the negative in.  Stick and Grow.

#FINISH