I Know The Lingo

My RE's office emailed me yesterday with the time of my transfer.  We are officially one day away (hooray!!).  Anyway, I promptly texted my husband to let him know it wouldn't interfere with the delivery of a new couch.  The couch was no big deal.  We just didn't know if we'd need to delay the delivery.  Husband sent back the texts below.

I laughed so hard.  He knows the lingo...LOL!



I'm all anxious and excited. I have to tell my Boss today that I won't be in tomorrow. Yikes!  I'm not really scared or nervous about the transfer, which may be due to my acupuncture session. Of course, I still have a full day to get through.


The list of instructions were simple from the RE's office:

1. Arrive 15 minutes before appointment time.
2. Take a valium 30 minutes before the appointment
3. Make sure I have a full bladder, but not so full that I can't hold it for 45 minutes.

Ok...let's talk about number 3.  What the hell does that mean?  LOL!  I don't know how full is too full for my bladder because when I have to go, I generally don't set a timer to see how long I can go before I burst.   Now back to the list...

4. Bring a progesterone suppository to the appointment.


I am slightly confused about this one.  My drug list calls for a morning suppository. I just want them to clarify if I should take one before the appointment or not.  I'm guessing not, but then I don't really want to ram anything else up the ol' private area so soon after folks have been messing with it, ya know? So I'd prefer to take it before the transfer.  I just sent them an email to ask.  I'm sure I'm just over-thinking the situation. Ha!

FROZEN EMBRYO TRANSFER....HERE I COME!!!

Eh...The Countdown Continues

I am at two days until the transfer.  I feel a bit strange.  It's a mix of calm, sleepy and sad.  I can't really put my finger on it.

Anyway, all the damn pills I'm popping are getting on my nerves.  I have to highlight my list to make sure I'm taking everything at the right time, on the right day.  It really made me sympathize with all the older folks who take pills to live.  I don't know how they do it...well, yes I do.

As for the progesterone suppositories, they are not nearly as bad as I thought.  I could do this for a while. No problem.  Waaay better than a shot.

All that's left on my list now are acupuncture and telling my Boss I need Friday off.  I'm always afraid he's going to ask why.  He never does, but just the idea of it gets under my skin.

Green Toes

Six days until the Transfer!! Woohoo!

I got my toes painted green.  I would post a picture, but I have ugly feet, people.  I don't want to scare anyone.  But let me tell you...I marched into that nail shop positive I would find myself a cute Kelly green.  I did not.  Every green they have is TERRIBLE. I didn't let that stop me.  I chose a darker green for my big toes and a 'torquisey' color for the rest.  It works.

Tonight I will begin the progesterone suppositories.  I'm not sure how this is going to go. I'm hoping it's not as NAS-TAY as I imagine.

I've decided since this is my one and only shot at this, I'm going balls to the walls.  I declare today that I am ALMOST PREGNANT.  YES!!!!!

Pregnant RE Pt.2

I knew my RE was pregnant! I had a pretty good rant about it here.  I asked her once in an email and she skipped over that question.  During our last visit, I noticed she was smaller. Turns out she had a baby girl.  Congrats to her!

I should add that she took off about six weeks, but I didn't care because that was the month I cancelled my transfer.  She still checked email and stuff, which is strange.  Anyway...I call her the witch doctor because of our love/hate relationship.

I'm still kind of mad she didn't say anything about her pregnancy before we started treatment. I would have found someone else.  But who cares, right?  7 days until transfer!!!

Countdown to Transfer

9 Days until my transfer!!  But who's counting?

I won't lie.  I started getting a bit nervous today.  I even thought about calling the doctor to see if we could move up the date.  I had to write out a prayer to calm myself down.  However, I may still schedule an extra acupuncture appointment.

Meantime, I am working on a green plan.  My acupuncture dude says green is my energy color.  Per usual, I kind of laughed at him.  As we get closer to my big day, I realize it can't hurt.  I plan to get a pedicure with green polish this weekend.  (crazy moment here) I've also planned out my transfer outfit. It's a green dress, but that could change. I don't know if I want to squeeze into spanx on that day. (Spanx are fantastic by the way)  Hmmm..I guess I'll bust out my green shirt with the small hole in it. LOL!

#FINISH

ICLW

Hi!

This is my first time participating in ICLW.

I'm Erika. I go by MrsDjRass on the Internet and I don't really know why.  LOL!  I am 32 years old and I am working hard to become a Mother!  Fibroids and diminished ovarian reserve are trying to stand in my way, but I'm not letting them...at the moment.  I am preparing for my first Frozen Embryo Transfer.

I have a tentative date for the end of this  month.  When my RE told me this IVF thing was going to be hard work.  I thought she meant physically.  Turns out my body can handle just about anything, it's the mental part that's kicking my butt.

I look forward to meeting new bloggers.

13

Doc checked my uterus today and my lining was 13!!  Woohoo!  I got my next set of instructions.

I will be cracking out on the ol' estradiol, Dex, crinone, baby aspirin and doxycycline.  We have a tentative transfer date and barring any meltdowns,  me and the twins should be reunited in two weeks:-)

Highlights of this visit:

1.  Doc squirted lube on herself.  LOL!  That is so disturbing.  Like my life is strange!  Anyway she looks up and goes, "that's why I wear scrubs to work." I think the only profession where one could have the same mishap is...prostitution.

2.  We decided on a firm two! We're putting two babies back.  Hooray!


To Do List:

I knew I was running out of Dex so I ordered more online.  Upon getting home from work, I realized I am also running low on doxy and aspirin.  Plus, I may have to order more estradiol.

I go to acupuncture tomorrow.  YAY!!!

IVF Prediction Test

Guys,

I am writing this post with a heavy heart.  There is an online test that boasts predicting our chances of IVF success.  The test was created by a Bay Area company called Univfy.  I first heard of it while stalking (yes, stalking) my RE's FaceBook page.  When I saw the ad, I quickly messaged her and asked if she really believed in this test.  Her answer:

"yes buuut if you're doing genetic testing they mean nothing. because we know for sure that if you have a normal embryo = 90% of success. easy. I just gave you the most accurate prediction."

Ya'll know I have a love/hate relationship with my RE.  She doesn't know about the hate part (hehe!).  Anyway, I consider her to be pretty smart and I questioned why she would support this test in any way.  I feel like it's just another tool to prey upon women who are desperate for SOMETHING to tell them this very expensive process will work.

I mean...even PGS/genetic testing doesn't guarantee success.  (I was even angry by her overly optimistic answer to my question.) How can I count on this online test? Below, you will find a link to a story that a local news station did on the test.  It was more like a commercial than an investigative piece, but watch it if you like.

Online test predicts chances of success with IVF | Video | abc7news.com

The test is $100 or something, which is cheap in the grand scheme of things.  In fact, this was my response to my RE:

"Well that prediction test may be cheaper...hmmm.. Just kidding. Genetic testing it is. Thanks!"

Ultimately, I feel like infertility takes me to some of the lowest emotional places I've ever felt in life.  I mean I was REALLY trying to figure out how I was going to jump off a bridge when my IUI failed.  Honestly, knowing the devastation my mother would feel, saved me from a very irrational act.  If a woman takes this test, gets results saying she has 80% chance of success and then IVF fails, this "helpful" tool could do more harm than good.  I just don't know.  I wonder what others think about it.

Random Things

I have random things floating around my mind right now.

1.  My skin.  People, I am glowing.  My skin is flawless right now, minus my chicken pox marks that I've had since I was 12.  I think it's the Estradiol.

2.  Good Sleep.  The hubby and I just discussed it, and we both agree that unplugging the TV and closing it off in the armoire helps us to sleep better.  A couple of weeks back my acupuncture dude told me to unplug the bedroom TV at night because it doesn't fall in line with Feng Shui.  He believes the TV may help my fibroids grow.  Well, I don't know about all that, but we are sleeping better.  The Hubby thinks it's because closing off the TV area also means we don't see the blinking lights from the modem and the DVR. *shoulder shrug* Doesn't matter to me. I know we'll keep closing that thing because the sleep is FANTASTIC:-)

3.  I'm so excited that it's Friday.  Yay for Friday!!!

#FINISH

Doctor Chat - Friend Chat

Doctor Chat:

This prepping for the Frozen Embryo Transfer has been so uneventful that I had to contact the doctor.

I told her I feel...Normal. I asked if she's sure this stuff is working.  Her response:

"that's awesome!!!

I'm happy about that

not everyone feels normal

most feel just fine

so glad"

Well, I quickly told her that she scares me a little sometimes.  Her optimism and good attitude make me a little too secure.  That's why I get so mad when things don't work out.  Well, I'd be mad regardless.  LOL!

Friend Chat:

An old friend warmed my heart today.  I met this woman when I was about 24-years-old and we don't speak often, but she always finds a way to support me and encourage me.  When my IUI failed, she didn't ask specific questions. She just kept asking how I felt. She didn't want details. She didn't want to make me cry.  She just wanted to make sure that I would survive it, ya know?

I couldn't tell her about the IVF stuff because I feared I'd cry and we only see each other in business settings these days. Today, however, I laid it out for her and SHE nearly cried.  She told me she was happy I was following my dreams and she respects the struggle and my ability to navigate my daily life.  She also told me she prays for me.  She's a good Catholic girl, so I know God is listening :-)

Sometimes, that's all you want to hear. You just want to know that your fertile friends respect the struggle.  It's not something you can just shrug off. No, infertility is not cancer, but it's not a broken finger nail either.

Mental Moment:

I'm dancing a fine line here, people. I am feeling overly confident about this FET, but the six years of negatives and that devastating IUI keep tapping me on the shoulder to keep me in check. 
I'm just going to keep on praying and prepping.

#FINISH

Embryo Rent

My babies are frozen in time at literally five/six days old and they are already attacking my wallet.  I have to pay rent for my embryos.  They aren't even in college yet!  WTF??

I pay $40 a month for their frozen dorm.  I sure wish they would earn a scholarship, call to say hi or something.  This relationship is feeling very one-sided. LOL!

In two weeks, at least two of them will transfer to a new room (haha!).  I sure hope they like the little lining-filled space growing in my uterus for them.  I figure the fibroids will just be their friendly neighbors.  We all have neighbors we think we'll hate, but they end up being just fine.  I hope this will be the case in my reproductive area:-)

Hmmmm....

I've been taking Estradiol for about ten days now and I really have nothing to report.
I've been feeling pretty good lately.  I think I can attribute that to my Mother's visit.  We really had a wonderful time.  I miss that woman.  I guess we always need Mommy in some way.

I'm set for a lining check and blood draw on Monday.  I'm praying everything goes well. I feel almost too confident at the moment... I'm feeling good about the triplets..twins...or singleton...

Oh.. I cancelled my last acupunture appointment.  I just couldn't afford the $70.  I'll go back next Tuesday. I should have some money by then:-)

Think Positive

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mamas out there.  I'm sorry for trying to turn your day into my pity party.

I am so thankful I get to spend this fantastic day with my Mother.  Maybe next year, one or two or three of the frosties will join us on this special day:-)

#finish

Mother's Day, Smother's Day

I don't want to be that chick.  I don't want to whine about Mother's Day, but I am that chick.  I thought I was ok, but I'm not.

I have my Mother and I am so thankful.  She's even flying to see me on HER special day. I try to focus on the fact that this is a time when I should only think of honoring her, our journey and our bond.  But I saw something today that reminded me of what I don't have and what I'll never have.

No matter what I do, I'll never know what it feels like to take a carefree pee on a stick and watch as a magical line announces a wonderful miracle.  I'll never know what it feels like to tell the world I am expecting, without silently praying I'm not the butt of God's joke.

I'm not freaking out or quitting.  I'll continue taking my meds in preparation for my FET.  *sigh* But even that causes anxiety.  After all, there is no guarantee.  I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm sure most murder victims are positive they'll survive, until they don't.

On a happier note:  You know how I cleaned out my savings and took out a loan for this IVF thing?  Well, my car decided to act up on me and I was thinking, "Oh Shit!"  I have not a dime to fix it or replace it.  It turns out, my car had a loose bolt. It was a quick fix. Hallelujah!  ***spirit fingers***  I can move forward with my FET, without wishing it would transform into a form of transportation:-)

Ramblings...

I just have to get this off my chest.  I was so frustrated with my RE because I felt that she didn't properly explain my plan for IVF.  My Husband and I were blindsided when she told us we were doing a "freeze all" after the egg retrieval.  We thought we were going for a fresh cycle.  Heck, at one point she told us she wasn't even sure we'd have enough embryos to try to do PGS.  Worst case, she was just going to put in whatever she got.

This month away from the process has given me some time to think.  When I was stemming, I prayed that God would help my doctor make the best decision for us.  When she made the decision, I acted a damn fool all the way up to the baseline ultrasound for the frozen embryo transfer.

But maybe it was all part of a plan because we would have had our transfer May 3rd.  Well, things were definitely too hectic at work for me the week leading up to that day.  I was so thankful I didn't have to deal with the FET.  May 4th, we had to say goodbye to our beloved Pet.  It was all just too much.

Now, I'm not thinking about obstacles. I am making an effort to push them all away and focus on each day, each moment and #finishing. ....And trying to convince my RE to let me have three embryos.  Just saying...

Hope ?!?

Before I started this IVF journey, I said that hope is a scary thing.  Apparently, my RE is out to prove me wrong.  Here's what she wrote on her Facebook page:

"Hope holds the key to transforming someone from a negative to a positive state. When I meet someone who has fallen into the trap of negativity, I need to make special effort to offer them a supportive environment in which they can develop their potential. By showing them how much I believe in them, I help them bring about a positive change."


I guess it can't hurt to try to follow her way of thinking.  My way only led me to a hormone-filled path of fear, and damn near destruction.  I think I'm ready to shake hope's hand.

#FINISH

Asking Questions

Every time I go to the Vitamin Shoppe, I swear the same three ladies are in there.  Ugh!  As I put all of supplements on the counter, one finally asked, "why are you taking this stuff? Energy? To conceive?"

Well since she asked, I was obliged to answer. When I said yes to conceiving, she quickly said, "Awww...no luck, huh?"

You know I am a negative Nancy, but for some reason, I snapped back with, "I was supposed to only get two viable eggs out of IVF.  Right now, I have five embryos in the freezer.  So I'll keep taking this stuff, until they are safely in my belly."

I was proud of myself.  I was proud that I focused on what's right with this situation.  Hmph! Just because I'm not pregnant at the moment, doesn't mean it's not working.

I'm thankful for that woman.  She made me standup for what I have achieved.  I needed that moment today.

Now if my uterus plays along, we'll be all good.  She has a month to get herself together:-)

And uh...I just added vitamin D to the arsenal of supplements.  I figure it can't hurt, right?

Estradiol

The day after my egg retrieval, Missy, my beloved dog, fainted on me.
The day I started my Estradiol in preparation for my frozen embryo transfer, we had to let her go.
I will miss that dog so much.

She was my husband's dog and became mine through marriage.  She hated the dog that I brought into the marriage, so we started off on the wrong foot.  But as the years went on, I realized she was in tune with me.  She became more gentle when my period arrived. If there was a thunderstorm, she herded every member of the family into the same room--- I'm talking humans and dogs.  I think she thought that was the only way we could be safe.  On days when my husband went to work and I tried to drown in my sorrows of infertility, she would bark and bark, until I took her for a walk.  I know she probably didn't care that I was depressed, and she certainly wasn't getting me up for my own benefit.  But the fact that she didn't let me stay in that bed, saved my life on many occasions.

What sucks about losing Missy is that she was only ten.  She loved life, walks, my Husband and the youngest canine member of our family, three-year-old Roxie.  Missy developed a tumor that trapped fluid in her heart cavity.  As the fluid built up, her heart couldn't beat properly.  She wasn't in pain, her heart just stopped beating enough to sustain her.  We had that cavity drained three times, before we had to just...let her go:-(

*sigh* The image above is of the calendar my doctor sent me to prepare for the frozen embryo transfer.
I am popping so many pills these days it's ridiculous.  I'm just hoping my hormones don't get the best of me this time.  I'm also hoping for a positive pregnancy test.

I know the combination of subjects in this post are odd, but my Missy and this IVF experience will always be linked in my mind, regardless of the outcome.

She's Here!

Hello Mennie!

You know her, right?  Mennie, the menstrual cycle?  She's here again being mean.  I'm crossing the ol' fingers and hoping the cramps don't get too bad as the day goes on.

It's funny.  I had my normal, fleeting moments of dreaming about the possibility of a miraculous, natural pregnancy this month.  However, I didn't get too obsessed and I didn't emotionally crash.  Odd, right?

I guess it's because Mennie showed up on time and didn't string me along.

Soooo....Now I need to call my favorite Frenemy, my RE.  She'll set up a calendar for me...again.  Pray that I can go through with it this time.

I'm also praying that I can lose five pounds in the next month:-)

BABY BRAIN

Ya'll, I am going nuts over here.  Not hormone-driven, angry, irrational nuts, but the "I want to eat a baby" nuts!!!

I don't really want to EAT a baby, but I want to hold a newborn, snuggle up to it, smell it...love it.  Since that's a mouthful, I just use the phrase, "eat the baby." :-)  The Hubby gets it.  Strangers probably wouldn't.

My Husband's new boss has a nine-week-old baby girl, and he was thrilled to show her off when we bumped into him on the street.  OH!!!  I wanted to hug and love that tiny baby.  That's when I realized I've reached fever pitch when it comes to my trying to conceive obsession.

I've never been one to WANT to hold or dote on the children of non-relatives.  It's not my thing...or it wasn't my thing.  I must say though, I was still reserved.  I didn't touch the baby or ask to hold her (she was in a car seat), I just stared and complimented her cuteness.

I came home and cuddled my 15lb loaf of bread that also happens to be my dachshund-mix dog.  I love her to death, but I think I've reached a point where even she can't calm my baby cravings.