I'm Done

I've decided that I'm done for a while.  I'm done trying, thinking and obsessing.  I have had a series of ugly setbacks and while I've had setbacks before, I've never dealt with so many at once.  I'm in a new place, I miss my family, I miss my old job and I miss my friends.

I think my hair is falling out around the edges and at any given moment, I'm on the verge of tears.  Even though I just spent $170 on a new fertility monitor and the sticks that go along with it, I've decided that accepting defeat is a lot easier than trying hard at everything and coming up empty.

Patience has never been my strong suit.  I pray for it every day and every night, I pray for the things I want most in life.  I could take the easy way out and say that God just isn't answering my prayers right now, but I know that's not it.  I know in some strange way this is just another lesson about patience.  I figure the best way to have it, is to simply give up on all that I want.  It doesn't mean I won't always give 110% on my day-to-day activities.  I don't know how to do anything else (I blame my upbringing for that). BUT maybe if I find a way to just totally quit and let go, I will begin to find true happiness regardless of if I get the things that I want.

I have to learn to make do with what I have and the blessings I've already received.  It just seems that it's a bit harder for me to really do that.  Repeated failure is truly my lifes biggest heartbreak.