Facing the Truth

I knew something was wrong early on. I'd never been on birth control pills and though we weren't "trying," I should have gotten pregnant because there was no prevention. I kind of spoke to DH about it and expressed my concerns to doctors. Since the doctors kept saying I was healthy, DH said don't worry. 

Well, then our best friends became pregnant and I had a breakdown because I KNEW something was wrong with us. After three years of marriage, my husband no longer wanted to wait for a "chance" pregnancy and said he wanted to actually ttc. We did...AND nothing. 

While we tried, the besties had a SECOND child. In fact, DH kept that pregnancy a secret from me. We lived across the country from them and really, he's best friends with the husband. The wife and are besties by association, so it was easy to keep that from me.  

I finally switched Gynecologists (new doc, same office) and told the new one my concerns. He gave me the same "young & healthy" speech, but I told him I didn't believe it. SO he scheduled blood work and an ultrasound. 

I went in. Blood work: no problem. I'm a big girl. I took that needle like a champ. Ultrasound: PROBLEM! Yes, I went to college, but NO..no one told me that there could be an "internal" ultrasound. I watch tv and thought this bad boy would be on top of my stomach. So when homegirl pulled out a wand and put a condom and lube on it, I was thinking, "whaaaaaaat?!"

I know rape is a powerful word, so I will tone it down and say I was violated with that wand and as I laid there making jokes about myself in my mind, the technician goes," OH,that's a big fibroid.  There's another AND you have a cyst on your ovary." I don't cry in front of strangers, so I had to think of dumb stuff to get through this. I thought to myself, "dang your uterus is a freaking landfill!"

She went on to tell me that the largest of the fibroids was a good size. So with that info, I headed to the doctor.  He told me black women seem to be at a greater risk for fibroids and science hadn't figured out why yet. BUT he said the fibroids likely weren't impeding pregnancy and I should just get to the fun part of trying. He said it with a smirk and I wanted to slap it off his face. What did he think, we weren't trying? Anyway, he set up a second appointment for more blood work and another ultrasound. 

The second visit left me just as angry. The blood work was great.  my hormone levels were good and it appeared that I am ovulating. BUT that ultrasound was more than I could handle. This time I got a technician who lacked tact and a good bedside manner. When she saw my largest fibroid, she asked me in rude tone how I couldn't feel it. She said it was so big, I should have felt it. It was like she was mad at me. 

I thought to myself," sorry, lady. I come here every year and every year YOU jerks say everything was fine. No problems. It took me begging for fertility checks to find it in the first place!"

SOO after HER, I went back into the doctor's office. I told him that I was very concerned because the technician seemed to think my fibroid was a major problem. He made it like it was no big deal. I went on to ask him if maybe we should get the thing out. My mom and aunts all had theirs removed in their 40s. He said I should try to get pregnant first because I would have to wait 8 months after surgery to ttc.   Once again, he told me to do the fun stuff and "try." 

I left devastated. I decided I hated him and ttcing...and I was just going to give up. I was pretty damned depressed, but because I was always taught to smile, no one knew my pain.