Oh Hey, Girl!

I know why I've been a crying, hot mess the past two days.  Ol' Aunt Flo greeted me today.  Although I hate her, I was glad to see her.  At least there was a reason for my complete emotional break down.  Who melts down like that, after seeing a shrink for more than a month?  I'll tell you who.  She's a woman who had too many Aunt Flo hormones coursing through her veins.

Damn!

Now, I'm at home with my three favorite things: My man, my dog and my glass of wine.  Oh Yeah!

So instead of continuing down my path of sadness, I say to Aunt Flo, "Oh hey, Girl.  Don't get too comfortable because your ass will be gone in about five days."  :-)

One of THOSE women

I cried myself to sleep last night, as I continued to chant how much I still want babies.  You've probably read this statement a lot on my blog, but I thought I was past this phase.  I'm tired of crying and being sad about being infertile.

There's something I've been tossing around.  I think I'm going to stop lying when people ask me why I don't have children.  I lie to keep them from feeling awkward, but it just leaves me feeling sad.  Why should I protect them at my own expense?  I mean REALLY!  It's one thing to ask someone if they have children.  It's entirely something else when you follow up with, "why don't you have children?"

I would pose all of this to my shrink, but she will be on vacation this week.  Let me tell you, I'm kind of freaking out about this.  I've become one of "those women."  I need my damn shrink.  Why do shrinks need vacations anyway?  What do they do all day?  Talk to people?  Who needs a vacation from that?

I've been told that the process of mourning takes a year to work its way through your psyche.  I'm three months in.  I thought I was on the accelerated track, but after last night, I'm pretty sure I'm average.

If I had been special, blessed or privileged enough to have a successful FET, I would be three months pregnant now.  Buuut...woulda, coulda, shoulda, right?

Shrink says the desire for children won't ever go away.  Isn't that shitty?  It's like I'm chasing my tail trying to find peace, but that damn tail just keeps getting in the way.  So my new job keeps my mind off the baby thing during the week, except when nosey folks ask why I don't have children.  I guess the weekends are when it all blows over and I short-circuit.

Small, Strange Updates

1.  I am working hard at this new job.  They are making me earn my money.  It's fun.  I hope I learn and grow.

2.  My shrink...ugh!  I told her that I am acknowleging that I still want kids, but I hope the desire dissipates.  She's says it will always be there and never go away.  I kind of wanted to smack her, but the truth hurts, right?

3.  I am going to my old RE for my yearly, girly checkup next month.

4.  I found a new RE who has a year waiting list.  I promptly put myself on it for a FET.  I lied and told them that if the FET doesn't work, I want another IVF.  While at some point my mind may want another expensive-assed-IVF, my wallet surely won't allow it.

5.  I have spent the last couple of months making fun of my husband for taking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to lunch.  Well, guess who jumped on the PB&J bandwagon?  That would be me:-)

Roxie

I don't know if I've adequately introduced you all to my sweet puppy Roxie.  Ok...she's an adult dog.  She's almost four.  Take a look.  Can you guess what she is?  She's a
Dachshund/Maltese mix (at least that's what we were told).

It turns out that me and this lil' girl were both going through a rough time...at the same time.  She was mourning the loss of our dog, Missy--- her mother-figure and best friend.  I was devastated by my failed IVF.

Now, Roxie and I are making strides.  I never realized that a dog could mourn.  She is such a different girl now.  We've had to change our approach to bring her out of her funk.  She hates walking, but she loves a car ride.  I waste a lot of gas taking this crazy dog on joy rides.  

She's helping me too.  While she despises our morning walks, she knows that after the walk comes the car ride.  So she endures it.

I often complain about this dog on the blog, but it's all in jest.  She cracks me up and makes me smile.  We wanted to get a new dog to keep her company, but for now, we seem to be ok.  We're slowing, but surely recovering.  A new dog won't replace Missy for Roxie, just like nothing will fill the hole in my heart for a child.  So...we're adapting and moving forward.  That's all anyone can do:-)

It Ain't Over

I got a new job.  I'm going to the competitor of my old employer.  So!  My old boss walked me out, after I handed in my two week notice. That means I'm sitting in the house chilling until my new job begins.

That gives me lots of time to think about my infertility, my shrink and my embryos.  You're probably wondering how and where my husband fits into all of this.  Well, he's omnipresent in all of those things.

Anyway back to my soap opera entitled, "As The Infertility Turns."

Before the show begins, we should have a recap of the past.  

The long-suffering and hard-working infertile, Erika failed in her IVF attempt.  She spiraled into a strange depression, took too many pills, went to a shrink and is now on the road to recovery?

Now onto the new episode.

After weeks of visiting a shrink, crying and spilling her guts, Erika's not-so-secret cloud of anger has dissipated.  Instead of nearly killing herself trying to get over her desire for children, she's embracing it.  (some may consider that dumb.  It's kind of like the crackhead embracing the desire for crack? Whatever!)

Erika has come to terms with the fact that she will return to the infertility world at some point because she has three embryos and she's tired of paying for their frozen dorm.

Alright, I'm dropping the third person. It's strange.

I've decided that at some point, I will transfer the three remaining embryos.  This time it's not with the hope of having children.  It's to be done with the entire situation.  It will probably be a year before I do it because I'm starting a new job.  I need to concentrate 110% on that.  An FET wouldn't allow for that.

Anyway I've decided that it will kind of be like an infertile version of 'Survivor.'

Can my three girls survive that mine field that is my body?

I won't deny my desire for children because that was part of my mental break.  I have to just deal with the desire and the sadness it brings.  It's not bad and I can still smile.  I can still cry over it and it's not the end of the world.

Now back to, "As The Infertility Turns!"

Erika must now tuck her tail between her legs (I've been hanging with my dog too much.  I'm starting to mimic her), and go back to the witch doctor.  Erika needs a Pap smear and doesn't want to deal with a gynecologist and answering all of those questions about her troubled lady parts.  The witch doctor already knows about them.  Erika's insurance likely won't cover the visit, but Erika is willing to pay just to avoid telling another soul about this tricky infertility journey.

Bad Shrink

I went to this shrink so she could help me move forward with a life without children.  I don't think she is helping at all.  

I mean sure, she's helped me understand that I don't deal well with sadness, but that's not why I went to her.  I went to her to help me end this yearning... this desire for children.  Instead, it's bubbled back up to the surface.

*sigh*  It's okay though. I won't let it consume me.  I'll just deal with it.  It's okay for me to want children.  I'll deal with it.  Just because you want something doesn't mean you have to have it.  I can't have this.  It's that simple.

I do things to cope.  I told my husband about my thoughts, I wrote down the baby name that floated through my mind, and I blamed the shrink for helping all of this surface:-)

Now I have to make sure I tell her about them and hope that she makes me feel...un-crazy?  

Oh who cares?  I already know I'm crazy :-)

Babies aren't all I think about.

-I'm working out a little bit, despite my horrible knees

-I'm slowly, but surely reading an awesome book called, "In Search of Satisfaction."

-I think my thyroid may be a real issue, so I'm searching for a primary care physician to help me out.

-I resigned from my job.  I'm waiting for my background check to come through so I can start a new gig.  Holy Crap!