I Want....

I want a freakin' baby, damn it.  I should also add that I've had two glasses of wine tonight.  Whatevs!!!!!

The Cost

So for the first six years of my marriage I knew I couldn't have babies, but I didn't know why.  Now, I may know why.  As I've mentioned before, I have poor ovarian reserve. My FSH levels are high. I can't remember the exact number right now.  It may be something like 11.

Initially I thought that if I knew why I couldn't have children, it would give me peace.  Turns out I was wrong. I have been an emotional basket case.  Listen to me carefully: ignorance is bliss and don't let anyone tell you differently!  

The most aggressive treatment I can get is IVF.  I am really hoping I won't have to turn to it. Ugh!  I am hoping that I can produce one good egg that will find one good sperm in my next round of IUI.  

I just can't believe I'm supposed to deal with this much.  I've never been an extremely strong person.  I do what I was taught to do.  I get up in the morning, go to work, repress all urges to commit a violent crime, return home and sleep. I don't bother anyone, I don't try to change them.  I just try to make my way through life unnoticed.  So I don't know why I have been presented with such a challenge.

With all of that said, I've been trying to prepare for my worst case scenario/IVF.  I called the doctor's office to find out if it offers financing.  They work with some program called ARC fertility.  I contacted them to get the lowdown.  In the end it sounds like a bad insurance situation.  Basically to get the best monetary deal, you need to fail every single round of IVF.  Isn't that horrible?  I guess that's what happens when you don't have the money to pay out of pocket.  Here's just a sample of their plan.

3 rounds fresh IVF & 3 rounds frozen IVF (that's six total): $26, 989.20

They'll loan you this amount at an interest rate of 3.9% to 19.9% and you can pay it off in 24 to 84 months.

You can apply for a refund pkg that will be thousands of dollars, but they won't give you an exact amount until the actuary calculates your risk assessment.  But let's say it's an additional $5,000.  So if you fail all six rounds, I believe you'll get about $15,000 back.  (Don't quote me on this just yet.)

How does this impact me?

I have a poor ovarian reserve.  That means I have more bad eggs than good.  I have 18 follicles.  If the doctor is able to get all 18 of them to produce an egg for that cycle of IVF, she would only expect to have three viable eggs at the most.  Now you have to calculate the chance that all three will fertilize properly. Basically, the chances of me having anything left over to freeze is slim.  ARC says if I don't have any frozen embryos for the frozen IVF (or FET: frozen egg transfer ), I just forfeit those procedures.  Say what?

If I am lucky enough to get pregnant the first time and deliver a healthy child, I do not get a refund on the other five procedures in the package.  I just paid $26, 989.20 for a procedure that should be about $10,000

Also, that 26 grand does not include the medications that I will need, nor will it cover any genetic testing my doctor may want to preform to make sure she is putting the best possible embryo in my womb.

I hope this all makes sense to you. I'm not sure it makes sense to me, which is why I may be confusing you.

My insurance only covers the diagnosis of your infertility. It will not cover anything to get you pregnant.

This ARC situation seems rather shady, but I'm not above using it if I get desperate enough.  (I know.  It's sad, but I'm being honest.)  However, some ladies told me to go to some local credit unions and try to get a personal loan.  That way I have more control over how the money is spent.  Due to our country's current economic situation, I doubt I'll be able to secure a $30,000 loan.  That does not mean I won't give it a try.

Vacation

The hubs and I took a real vacation.  We hopped a plane and landed on the fabulous Island of Oahu.  Thank the Lord!  After my RE told me my eggs were rotten, I was a hot mess. I would dissolve into tears at the drop of a hat.  It turns out that no struggle can stand up to the beauty of Hawai'i.

We climbed Diamond Head, drank Mai Tais, went to a Luau, drank more Mai Tais, hit the beach, took a sunset cruise, ate (I gained five pounds. booo!!!) and continued to drink until our hearts were content.  During one of my drunken stupors, I emailed my RE. OMG, right?  But her reply saved my heart.

"your levels don't tell me we can't get pregnant

they tell me that we are going to probably have to work hard to make it happen

i'm up for the challenge."

Now, don't get it twisted. I know her main goal is to make money and she did not convince me to gamble away $22,000 on one procedure.  However, her kind words encouraged me to continue with my plan for the year, which is to do all that I can to complete mission #BABYRASS2013. I can't pay $22,000 for anything, but there are other options.  Of course, the hubby and I are taking this month off.  We will meet with the RE next week to discuss what plan B is.  I was unable to talk to her about it during our previous meeting because my mind didn't get past the whole rotten eggs thing.  Like seriously, all I registered was poor egg quality and $22,000.  Say what?!

Now back to Hawaii...those folks love some pork and it turns out that I do too.  I just wish someone would have told me my jeans would strangle my legs after five days of indulging in the swine.  Damn!

Binge Interrupted

Sooo the hubby told me that I needed to at least contact my doctor's office to let them know that my new cycle started.  That's what interrupted my high from the caffeine and alcohol binge.  The doctor insisted that I come in for a consult.  I didn't want to. I already told you about her over-the-top optimism plus, I didn't want to pay her any money.

She forced her staff to find a slot for us today.  Per usual, I paid her money to break my heart. Today she informed me that basically the majority of my eggs are rotten.  She said if she harvested ten eggs from the average healthy woman of my age, she would expect five of them to be fantastic.  In my case, she expects only two will have a chance of being successfully fertilized, implanted and born free of defects (yup, I said defects).

My new thing is to cry over any damn thing, so I got all teary-eyed again.  She said we should probably be more aggressive and by that she meant the dreaded IVF.  Yay for test tube babies!  Because she knows the quality of my eggs sucks, she would want to test the eggs before implanting them in me...if we ever reach that point.

Because I am always counting money (that's what you do when you don't have any), I asked the cost. The estimate? $22,000 for one damn try. I don't have money like that!  It would take me another year-and-a-half to save up what I need to reach that astronomical amount.

My perpetually positive husband is all like, "Let's do it!" Pssh! Whatever.  He went on to basically say if it was a car, I wouldn't think this hard. I reminded him that if it was a car, I'd know for sure it would run.  Plus, the car would have a warranty and a 60-month loan readily available.  This crap does not come with a guarantee, a warranty or a reasonable loan.  Where will this $22,000 magically come from?

Now that I've depressed you with my whining, here's the positive: At least she was straight foward and didn't string me along.  Oh, she also told me not to call my eggs rotten, but I've always been an advocate for calling a snake a snake.

With all of that said, I guess I better start playing the damn lottery. I need to win in oh...like three months.

Negative IUI

I got my official negative today.  After getting over the emotional part of it, I was darn right mad that I spent half the amount of a fabulous, but small, Louis Vuitton ($781) on pure torture.  I paid to be on edge for two weeks and ultimately feel like shit.  I'm starting to wonder if  a drug addiction would be a better investment (I know, bad joke).

Anyways, I have gone back and forth on whether to jump back into another cycle.  I think I'm going to take a break and drink lots of coffee and wine because this crap was enough to make we want to drive to the Bay Bridge and take a leap.

I'm just hoping the progesterone doesn't delay the start of the ol' period too much. I want to get her over with.  I've got a vacation to go on.

I'm not going to call the doctor for awhile.  She is way too optimistic and will talk me out of my planned caffeine and alcohol binge. I can't be having that!

Bleh!

It's not looking good, folks.  The normal signs of Aunt Flo are rearing their ugly heads.  So be prepared for IUI #2.  I'll probably cry on Sunday, but not today.