All I Want For Christmas....

All I want is a baby bump filled with a child who will be born healthy, but Santa doesn't always bring you what you want.  So here's a more realistic list:

1. More quality time with my husband

2. Health

3. Diamond Studs

4. Fun, sparkly shoes

Don't hate on my Christmas tree.  I think it's cute:-)

Every year as Christmas gets closer, I become a bit of Grinch.  Why, you ask?  It's not because of infertility.  It's because my family is so far away.  I have my hubby and his father, but not MY MOTHER AND FATHER.  My mom is too darn stubborn to come visit when my father-in-law is in town.  She says he only visits once a year and should have it to himself.  She doesn't realize that other folks aren't as selfish as she is and he doesn't mind.  He just wants everybody to be happy.  I could travel home, but that would mean celebrating Christmas without my husband, who has to work during the holiday.

Anyways, I told my Auntie, who is my Godmother and spiritual twin, that I was trying not to be a Grinch and she hit me with this:

"Concentrate on what you have, not on what you don't.  Be prayerful and enjoy the holiday."

Bam!  In a very simple and sweet way she put me in my place.  She has always had that power.  She's so intelligent and level-headed.  Love her!

P.S. I tried Mucinex this month.  The generic is 15 bucks a box.  Wowsa!  I dumped my expensive fertility monitor months ago.  I didn't use my OPKs  because I kept forgetting in the morning, but the past couple of months my cycle seemed to match the fertility friend estimate of ovulation.  We shall see... fingers crossed... but not really.

An Unbelieveable Choice

I was reduced to tears on my way to work today.  I listened as a mother made a public plea for a hospital to give her one-year-old son a chance.

http://www.ktvu.com/news/news/crime-law/parents-1yo-shooting-victim-say-doctors-want-cut-h/nFwy7/

http://www.ktvu.com/videos/news/oakland-mass-shooting-videos/lkj/

His name is Hiram and he was shot in the head, while his father held him in his arms.  Baby Hiram is the victim of senseless violence.  He's been on life support for a week and doctors are ready to perform tests to determine if he is brain dead.  BRAIN DEAD?! A one-year-old could possibly be brain dead.

I spend most of my time on this blog complaining and whining, but this right here?!  This is real.   Baby Hiram and his mother are in a horrible fight. I often think most people never acknowledge or understand my gut-wrenching pain over infertility, BUT I know this woman's pain is something greater than anything I've every felt before in my life.

As I listened to her say that her baby just needs more time to recover from the shock of this horrible string of events, my eyes watered up.  It pisses me off so bad.  How could this happen to an angel who hasn't even had a chance to experience life?  His second birthday is three days after Christmas.  It's just too much to handle.

I found myself gripping my steering wheel and asking God to protect that baby.  To be honest, I don't know if protection is keeping him here or allowing him to go to Heaven.  It's just horrible. 

Baby Hiram is the face of senseless violence now, but eventually people will forget about him, just like all of the other babies who were hit by bullets that were supposedly aimed at someone else.

On top of that, he's also a reminder of the state of our health care system.  No one has said it yet, but I'm pretty sure his family doesn't have insurance for him.  If they do, it's not that good, otherwise his mother wouldn't be begging doctors to give him more time.  Let's be honest, money is time.  This entire situation just makes me sick.

The idiots who shot him probably don't even have a conscious or a heart... it's just.. it's just too much.  We are all taught that eventually everyone has to pay for their evil, but it's stories like this one that make me question that belief.

Either way, my prayers continue for Baby Hiram.  He didn't deserve this.  No baby does.

***Update***   Hiram's family took him off life support at the end of the week.  Two medical tests deemed the baby brain dead. He didn't make it to his second birthday.  Police still have not technically arrested anyone for the crime, although they have persons of interest in custody.

I think I'm Ready

I think I may be ready to take the next step in this fertility journey (I chose to say FERTILITY, instead of INFERTILITY because it's more positive).

Sunset in South Florida

For me that means going to another specialist.  Let me explain why.  My husband and I moved across the country right after I had the surgery to remove my fibroids.  As you can imagine, that shook up things.  It took me so long to find the awesome doctors who led me to that surgery that I really didn't have the time or energy to begin that search again... so soon after our move.

I obviously hoped and prayed that I would get pregnant and wouldn't have to seek any additional help, but that is not the case.  Now that we've settled into a spot and I've found a job, I can begin the big task of searching for some folks who can honestly help me out.  The fertility business is such a big money maker that it's really hard for me to trust some doctors.  If you read any of my earlier post, you will see that I had one doctor who just wanted to keep running tests and charging me without giving me any real answers.  The answer was pretty clear, I had fibroids that were disfiguring my uterus and causing me terrible pain and bloating.

Even though removing the fibroids didn't result in pregnancy, it did return my body back to the way it was about four years ago.  That means my period flow is normal, my terrible cramps are two days max and I don't have the unbelievable bloating and pressure that caused me to pop Advil up until the sixth day of my cycle.

When I get frustrated, I tell myself that maybe it's a waste of time to focus on this... that maybe God just doesn't want me to be a mother.  But for some reason, I can't shake the vision of a pregnant me and having a child.  That may be my stubborn persistence or a sign.  At this moment, I'll take it as a sign.

Of course I can't begin my research right in the middle of the holiday rush, but I will do it in earnest when it's over. It will take me some time because of skepticism when it comes to doctors, but because of where I live now, there should be some good options for me to try.

Congrats to all my pregnant friends, family and strangers out there.  But I can't promise that I won't go into a tail spin of depression every time you guys tell me about your awesome pregnancy and excitement.  I'm human and being infertile ain't easy.

What is the Deal?

 Sometimes I just have to ask: What's the deal, man?

What's the deal with Roxie's mustache?

Q: What is the deal with people telling me FIRST (before everyone else) that they are pregnant?
    
A:  I must do one heck of a job pretending that I'm not crying inside when folks announce their pregnancies.
    
Epiphany: Maybe I should be an actress. I'm obviously qualified for an Oscar nomination



Q:  What is the deal with my imagination? Why can't I shake the image of a pregnant me and a family that includes me, hubby and non-existent child?
 
A:  I guess I just haven't reached that magic place yet.
  
      
Epiphany:  Maybe I just have a kick-ass imagination?



Q: What's the deal with designers charging too much for their awesome purses?  How am I supposed to afford them?
    
 A: They must not want me to have them.
   
Epiphany: Maybe I should work harder to get EVERYTHING I want.  Money can't buy love or happiness, but it can definitely keep you busy.